I can be so naive at times. Aggravatingly so! Yesterday and last night I was right there again.
Yesterday I was beginning to identify and sort out the details of chaos. I thought I was on the way up out of the muck. Not so much.
Last night after my first conversation I felt like a non-person. Like I didn't exist, like I didn't matter. I was kind of surprised to feel that way. Weird. Unsettling.
I walked through the evening feeling like I was a foreigner in strange lands. It was bizarre.
Then another conversation ensued. I escalated from nonexistent to a very existent FAILURE.
That was my breaking point. S-N-A-P and the tears began to flow. I couldn't continue any longer. "Help me Jesus" were the only words I had.
Turns out they were good words. I had read them just last week in my daily devotion. It spoke of the battle we engage in every day and that we need Jesus but we need to ask for His help. "Help me Jesus."
This thinking carried into the morning and I landed here:
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Yes, I'm in the middle of a battle. I had not prepared in advance for the fight. And so surprise attacks carried more weight than normal, created more damage than necessary.
I just stood there and it felt as though
plans were made for me
people talked about me
plans were made around me
people yelled at me
plans were made regardless of me
people accused me
To walk into those situations unarmed, is UNWISE..... yes, FOOLISH!!!!! Yet this is exactly what I was doing. I felt like a revolving door, spinning and spinning and spinning.
Thankfully, my prayer, "help me, Jesus" armed the One who could battle in my place. Jesus stepping in for me allowed silence long enough for me to realize what is REALLY going on and how UNPREPARED I am.
Thank you Jesus!!! In the silence I heard:
Ephesians 6:14-17 Be ready! Let the truth be like a belt around your waist, and let God's justice protect you like armor. Your desire to tell the good news about peace should be like shoes on your feet. Let your faith be like a shield, and you will be able to stop all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Let God's saving power be like a helmet, and for a sword use God's message that comes from the Spirit.
I won't say that I'm all better, but I will say I am in a better place, better frame of mind.... I stand poised with the armor of God, prepared for the battle that Satan has disguised in so many forms over this last week.
Abba I realize Satan is trying to orchestrate a party in my life this holiday season..... but it is not what I choose to stand for. This is a time to reflect on the birth of Christ Jesus, your Son, a baby, my Savior. Father I give my holiday season to You, because I desire to glorify You and because I need you and because those around me need You. Father in the coming weeks there are several events that I ask Your guiding hand to direct...... Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Christmas with the Cook's, Tucker's, Wright's, Herald's and Shaffer's, the plans and decisions for Laura, Joseph, Katie, Alex and Andie, Jeff and I. Father I ask that You move in all our hearts, give us wisdom as we make decisions, give us strength, courage and compassion to follow through as You lead us. Father in all we do and everyone we meet may Christ be glorified and may we be humbled. This Christmas Father move in a mighty and unmistakable way that we cannot ignore. Father may your presence be with us and joy overflowing this holiday season as you continue to join our family. May we all feel Your love in every moment we share. Abba, I love you ~ amen.
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